Beats of My Heart

Before, all I can think of was...

   ... to be successful

   ... to fulfill my dreams

   ... to make my family PROUD of ME

I wanted to have everything

In perfect set up

In perfect timing

In perfect order

Never I have thought of worrying

It feels like I have my own world

I have my family

I have my friends

It seems all were just fine

I had the greatest parents

Many would believe me

They exceedingly love us

They made sure I had my education

Amidst financial instability and crisis

I thought all was fine and in order

I am happy, we are, that's what matters

But my world came crashing

My dreams came falling apart

My life were broken to pieces

I fell deep into the pit of life's reality

I thought I was strong, that I can

Many said to let go, it's her time

My heart's screaming, NO!

But my defenses were fragile

I gave up, coz all of us were hurting

I couldn't stand the reality of pain

Seein' my mother in her life and death

A part of me was dying in vain

I saw her fighting but in grossed pain

My heart's pounding, but I have to be

Strong for her and for my siblings

Tears were overflowing in misery

I have my options, hold on or let go

Between life or death, I prayed

She'll undergo for second operation

I couldn't withstand anymore

I asked her, and soon her body gave up

Her spirit is fighting, but I know

It's time to let her go

And to send her back home

When my mom died, all will be different

They told me everything will be fine

All will still gonna be the same,

And I believe so, I held on to that

My life goes on without directions

The smooth sailing life I once knew

It slowly drifting apart

All were put on hold...

I tried to be fine and strong

All were just fine, for my siblings

But deep inside me, I am falling

My source of strength was gone

Its been more than six years by now

Many things have had happen

That change my perspective in life

My heart's half filled and half empty

Now... all I can think of is...

   ... where will I start again?

   ... when will I have my life back?

   ... how will I take that leap of faith?

Those lingering memories of hospital days

Kept on taunting me, haunting me for years

It is the responsibility of making decision

Do I failed? Shall I continue to fail all over again?

I've totally let her go knowing she's happily home

My heart's longing will forever be implanted

In every pulsating moments of my life

Missing my mom will always be a tear to cry

In this very moment... I loved the ME

As much as my mom would have taught me to

I am no perfect, always sick and weak

But with a heart full of love and wisdom

Once she told me I have so many hang ups

That I have to be patient and hope

For then I will be courageous to face life's trials

With faith in my heart, I will never gone wrong

Her thoughts of passing and me moving on

Is the hardest part I ever encounter

It took me years to recover and stand still

Each time I stumble, I looked up to her

Constantly, reminding me that I already gone thru alot

Whenever I thought of quitting, she always tap me

I have the right hand to choose my very own life

She will always be there to support me

Just like what we have the very last time,

I chose to gave up everything to her

Lift it all up to God, and light came down

My heart let her go, and all these time, She's with me

This very time of the year were all were out and about

Lost in the midst of my humiliation and tribulation

I found the beating of my heart, fighting for life

And the least thing I'll know, I will find the key

written by:

Belle C.A. Hanzberj

7th March 2013

[Remembering my mom will always put me into tears but at the end of our conversation, I know, wherever she is right now, she always listens and know, she gives a beautiful smile in my face. Time will gone too fast too soon, what my heart knows best, there's no time at all nor space that will hinder us to be TOGETHER. To feel my mother's love even far beyond horizons, it gives me life. It always reminds me the day I was born and gave her reasons to live. For that, I have all the reasons to live my life... Until we meet again. 

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, Mama]